Following My Bliss - Twice

Following My Bliss - Twice from momentary bliss, found via kind over matter Jen Curran picked up a postcard of mine at a rehearsal studio last month, emailed me to introduce herself. She was in the midst of her last week or two at her desk job, came on over to see if I was another creative soul out to inspire others to follow their bliss. Thankfully, she found that I was emailed me about her background (an NYU/Tisch theater grad like me!), her 10-month-old blog (follow my bliss), her new online bakery Fanny Jane her current quest to find her grown-up passion while free of the cubicle chains (aka plan-less). She asked if she could write a guest post for me, as soon as I clicked over to her blog I got entranced. I spent hours there, responded with an intelligent, Duh! You can thank me later. I quit my boring desk job exactly three weeks ago today. While swimming with my boyfriend one lazy Saturday afternoon two summers ago, I made a promise to myself that I would quit that stupid desk job by the time I turned 29. Having been only 27 years old at the time, turning 29 seemed like a date so far off in the future, I figured I would surely determine the precise ways and means to go about quitting my job by the time my 29th birthday rolled around. I will turn 29 tomorrow. And I could not be more thrilled, pleased and contented by having made this giant leap. But I did not, in fact, determine the precise ways and means to go about it before I did it. I just did it because it was time. So what the heck am I going to do now? Now that I no longer have a salaried income? Now that my employer no longer pays for (a portion of) my health insurance? Now that I wake up every day without a single responsibility besides the ones I choose to take on? Im going to follow my bliss. Thats what. And would you believe, this is not the first time in my life that Ive followed my bliss? The first time, however, didnt happen quite so cheerfully. When I was a kid, I desperately wanted to be an actor when I grew up. I dreamed of starring roles in movies, long runs on Broadway stages, and a life in the spotlight. It wasnt out of a desire to be famous or recognized not at all. It was out of a desire to perform something Id always done well and easily, something Id always enjoyed and received praise for, and something within which Id always found a great sense of community. But my family had other opinions about my becoming a performer. As the daughter of a single, teenage mom, and the first grandchild of my big Catholic family, I wasnt raised by two parents, but by six. My grandparents, aunts and uncles were all deeply involved in the decisions my young mother made for my life, and as I grew up, they all had opinions about who I should be and what I should become. And none of their opinions matched up with my own. I can vividly remember heated arguments with my grandfather and uncle about how badly I wanted to be an actor, and how disappointed they were with my choice. I was a stubborn, outspoken kid, though. And the one way to get me to do something was to tell me not to. So after spending all of middle school and high school digging my hands into every possible theatrical experience available to me, I moved to New York City at age 17 to study acting at NYUs Tisch School of the Arts. It was an incredibly happy time in my life. Much to my familys distaste, I was following my bliss to become a professional actor. My happiness did not stick around for long, though. Almost immediately after college began, I fell into a painful depression. I cried constantly, I always felt overwhelmed, and I regularly overate to avoid my feelings. I still loved performing, but it wasnt enough to make me happy. Acting school was hard and demanded a lot of my time and energy. And I couldnt keep up with all the rules and schedules. I felt like a failure, and worst of all, I felt like my family back home had expected this to happen. I ended up gaining 100 pounds in three years, flunking out of college with just a year to go, and falling into a pit of overwhelming debt. Three years after I moved to New York, I was miserable and clinically depressed. And my acting career was the last thing on my mind. The short version of the rest of the story is that I ended up hitting rock bottom when I was 21 years old. I punched an emotionally abusive boyfriend in the mouth, I got kicked of the apartment I was living in, and I ended up an obese, homeless, jobless college dropout with $12 to my name. It was horrible, dark and lonely. But I started seeing a therapist soon after all that happened, something Id obviously needed all along. And I spent the next few years climbing out of the nightmare Id created for myself. It wasnt easy, but I worked my way through it. I eventually got a job, found a room to rent in someones apartment, and even started losing weight, ultimately losing 115 pounds total. So by the time I found myself, at age 27, splashing around in a pool on a hot summer day, making promises to myself about quitting my desk job, Id long since cleaned up that whole college mess for good. Id gone back to school several years earlier and completed my degree, graduating with a BFA in Acting. Id held all manner of part-time, and eventually full-time jobs to support myself. Id adopted a cat, started performing sketch and improv comedy every week, and even fallen madly in love with one of my best friends, an amazing guy who treated me more kindly and with more respect than any man Id ever met. I was in a great place in my life, complete with a salaried day job, an active and fulfilling evening and weekend schedule, a healthy exercise routine and a busy social life. But it still wasnt enough. And I felt greedy admitting that to myself. So many people in the world were never given the kind of wonderful life with which Id been blessed and I knew I sounded snotty to complain about my situation. But I also knew that even though my life was the perfect life for someone else, it wasnt perfect for me. Something was off. My career was not making me happy. This cant be happening, I thought. I cant be in a situation of having to go against all odds to follow my passion again. Can I? I was. And even though it hadnt exactly worked out perfectly the first time, I was determined to do it again, no matter what. I really hated the desk job Id ended up in by the time I was 27. It wasnt a bad job at all in fact, in many ways it was a fantastic job. Nice people, easy atmosphere, good perks. But I hated how I felt every day on my way to work. I felt bored, uninspired, like I was treading water and wasting my time. And worst of all, I felt like my life was passing me by and that all the things I was excited about when I moved to New York at age 17 had become dormant daydreams, not active pursuits. I also just didnt feel like I belonged in that office. And the idea of working there for years made me sick to my stomach. Frankly, Id felt that way about every office job Id ever had. Besides that, I didnt want to be an actor anymore. At least not professionally. And that was hard to stomach. I have always loved performing, and I still do. I wouldnt give it up for anything in the world. And maybe someday I will get paid money to do it. But I cant count on that and the truth is, I love it too much to turn it into something that stresses me out and determines whether or not I can pay my bills. I would much rather keep acting as an awesome (and time-consuming) hobby, by performing twice a week every week with my sketch group, Harvard Sailing Team, and my improv group, the Baldwins, and enjoy myself doing so, than I would like to pound the pavement trying to land auditions and book gigs so I dont go broke. Being an actor was once my bliss. And in many ways it still is. But now its time to find out what else I love and to make a fulfilling, and yes, financially stable career out of it. Its time to follow my bliss again. So I knew it was time to quit that stupid desk job. But there was just one problem with this plan. If I wasnt going to pursue an acting career, I had no idea what else I loved and wanted to pursue. And I had no idea how to figure it out. At the suggestion of my (six years older and sometimes wiser) boyfriend, I started a blog called follow my bliss, which is about my journey to quit my desk job and do something that makes me happy. I began writing the blog a few months after Id made my decision in the pool that summer. My goal in writing the blog was to discover what I wanted to do instead of acting, and instead of sitting in a dumb office all day long. I have many interests   yoga, running, baking, writing, weight loss, the environment, animals, the elderly but I had no idea which one of them I should turn into a career. All I knew was that I wanted to be doing something that fulfilled me. One night, I was complaining to myself about having to go to work the next day. So I asked myself, What would you do tomorrow if you didnt have to go to work? I figured Id probably go for a run, maybe clean the apartment, and maybe Id bake something. Id really been enjoying baking lately. So that sparked an idea what if I tried to sell brownies at the comedy theater where I performed. It would just be a little side project to make some extra cash and see how I liked it. I made a cryptic mention of the idea on my blog, and my good friend Faryn, who is always curious, sometimes to a fault, read the entry and immediately asked me to elaborate. The next day, I surprised myself when I not only told Faryn my brownie-baking plan, but asked her to be my partner in the project. Lets sell brownies! we decided. What was just a simple idea soon grew into a full-fledged small business plan. We are two ambitious girls who love to find success in our endeavors, so it was only natural that wed end up deciding to open an entire bakery that sold much more than brownies. We spent several months, still while working day jobs and performing in comedy shows at night, fitting in meetings and baking sessions for our new business whenever we could. We came up with a name, had a friend design a logo, launched a website, and almost overnight, Fanny Jane was born. We were thrilled. We were also exhausted. And we also wondered is this what we want to do for the rest of our lives? I wondered, sure, its fun, but is this my bliss? I didnt know. The truth is, I still dont know. But Im determined to find out. When I finally quit my desk job just a few weeks ago, I did it with the intention of continuing to focus on finding my bliss, whatever that may be. Luckily, I have this wonderful little bakery to spend time on for now. I plan to earn some extra money and keep myself busy this holiday season by focusing on growing that business. But I dont really know if baking is my bliss or not. It certainly makes me happy, and its certainly better than sitting in an office all day long. And maybe doing it full time will help me to discover how much I love it or dont love it. Either way, I will learn that much more about whichever career is perfect for me. The best part? Im okay with not knowing quite yet. Because whats important to me right now is the journey, not the destination. The practical side of quitting my job is something I get asked about a lot, understandably. The truth is, I didnt do anything special or cutting edge in order to make this happen. I saved up a few thousand dollars over the last year, cutting corners where ever I could. I used my time at the desk job as best I could working on my own projects whenever I had free time during office hours. And I was open and honest with anyone in my life (desk job boss aside, of course) who asked me about my plans. I was completely blunt about the fact that I didnt really know what to expect by leaving my job, that I wasnt sure what would happen, and that its not always easy to choose this path its often scary, challenging and confusing. But now that Im here, on what I like to call the other side, I can honestly say that Ive never been this happy in my adult life. This is the best thing Ive done for myself in years. I didnt like my situation. So I made a promise to myself that I would change it and I gave myself a nice chunk of time to make that promise a reality. And by the time my 29th birthday was on the horizon, I knew I didnt have a choice but to take all the little seeds Id been planting and let them grow. Sure, I could have saved more money if Id stayed longer at the desk job. Sure, I might have made a more concrete decision about which career interest to pursue if Id just put in a few more months. But I could also have spent another ten years doing that and never have gotten anywhere new. I knew I needed to stay true to my promise of quitting before I was 29 and take the leap. I knew I needed to start living my dream. Even if the dream doesnt quite have a name yet. I have been very blessed to have the opportunity to follow my bliss twice in my life once when I was just a teenager and dead set on becoming an actor. And again, now, at the end of my twenties, when Ive finally decided that acting (and the office work that sometimes comes with it) is not the perfect career for me either. And as blessed as I am to get to do what I want with my life, I know that these are not gifts that have landed in my lap coincidentally, that mine is not a lifestyle made possible by some outside force. I know that I am the person who has made these dreams into reality. It is my right as a human being to do that for myself, and I believe its everyones right. It doesnt matter to me if I have to cycle through hundreds of options before I find the right professional fit for me. I will not travel through this incredibly beautiful life Ive been given being unsatisfied with my job. Period. I will follow my bliss.